Slipping In-Out Depression

After around 3 months now, that I am almost done with my medical treatment of depression, and I am completely in my senses, I decide to jot down what I learnt and how I came out of this phase of Depression.

What I learned?

1. The best part of waking up isn’t what is in your cup… It’s being with the one who fills it.
2. Discipline doesn’t have to be a dirty word, let it take you closer to your loved ones and God!
3. Desire quality more than quantity.
4. Think about what you are studying- go over it several times.
5. God will bring you peace.
6. Deep talks and thoughts.
7. Revive & Stimulate.
8. Don’t quit-- Change > Grow > Overcome.
9. Light the dark places in you.
10. Embrace and Challenge- Grow in right direction.

For a majority of my life, I struggled with depression and sadness. I’d sometimes go for days without leaving my room or communicating with friends and family. My mind would race a mile a minute with depressive and anxious thoughts.

• Why me?
• Everyone else has a better life than me, etc

My world collapsed and I was badly drowned in the world of depression. I had no work, I lost my trust and a large chunk of friends all at one go. I either skipped my days just sitting mum or would just want to spend my time looking at the wall and wondering where I was. The questions kept swirling my head for months. I was on a verge of breakthrough. And the worst came along, my never ending war with my brother. We ended up fighting like a hero and a villain in any of the action film.

I tried a bunch of different things: reading, sketching, talking with friends, outings, gyming and every other possible thing. But nothing worked out. In most of the cases, it made me feel worse. Illustrations my forte- I wouldn't be able to draw a straight line. Gyming to some extent was a relief but only for few hours. I definitely needed something else.

I decided to fight my fears. Whenever I felt myself slipping, I’d write down reasons why I shouldn’t feel that way. And to my surprise, it worked really well.

• You’ll never be perfect- just like others
• You can’t control everything
• In order to have good things there must be bad things
• People are mean because they are that way
• You are at the right place- Present
• Nobody cares
• Don’t plan future
• You get what you give
• Everyone makes mistakes
• Play simple, don’t complicate
• Support yourself
• Be positive

Consciousness

Whenever I look at my life and I see all my flaws. I compare my behind the scene life to other people's perfect world. I feel worthless, I wish for things I do, would qualify, would be admired, and somebody would actually desire them all.

Recently, I've been feeling low in my talents, wondering if I'll ever meet all the requirements & expectations. Finding it really hard to be patient for the good timings.

It seems so easy to give up and not keep trying. The future seems distant, keeping my belief alive in GOD and considering the little hope still left within me, I walk again.

I may feel broken, tired, weak and alone, but I will live up to my only strength, the only hope of light that is glowing within. As long as I am honest with myself and I don't hurt anybody intentionally, I'll work and succeed leaving all the negatives and my worries behind. I will hope for the impossible. Its with my own self, I can make the impossible possible. Sometimes all it takes is to look at yourself in the mirror and just remind yourself you're a Rock Star. I think looking in the mirror and saying you're a rock start--- is the KEY.

"Flowers" for I want to see them.

Today, I'm tangled up inside, my heart is ruling my head. Its making me so cold, and I've been trying to come out of it. It doesn't hurt anymore, but something is missing. Its been said and done. Constantly its been playing with my mind. There is no other way to describe how it feels. Your destiny struck me badly. I stand alone to every place we ever went together. You were once the "peace" of my heart.

And I know, everything's gonna be okay, it's all gonna be okay and I know I will laugh someday, everyday thinking about the past. I love the life behind but I too believe to breathe and it'll be all magical someday. It will be everything I always waited for, a miracle. Letting you go is making me weak but it is probably what is best for you. The future will be all I really need. And it will be wonderful, magical, everything I wanted. It was always on my face, the love was pure and holy, and we can never be replaced.



Flowers, for I want to see them.
AMEN!

Never Settle For Less

I no longer have patience for certain things and people, not because I've become arrogant, but simply because I've reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me. I have no space for excessive criticism and demands of any kind. I lost the will & patience to please those who never really loved me, and to smile at those who neither want to see me smile, nor want to smile back at me.

I no longer want to spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate. I deserve transparency, appreciation, loyalty. I decide not to coexist anymore with hypocrisy, dishonesty and cheap praises. I deserve not to be abused for my trust. I believe in a world of opposites and that’s why I avoid people with rigid and inflexible personalities. Be it my personal life or friendship I dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. And I have no patience for anymore who does not deserve my patience.

Therefore I choose to let it all go. I've strengthen myself from lifting myself when I was knocked down. The fears that once controlled me, I've overcome them all. I am well aware of the life I left behind, the one I loved and enjoyed to the extremes but I too believe to breathe.

Note: My fears, my hypocrite friends and other won’t find me, I've left the past behind. Given enough consideration to inconsiderate people. And now I start AFRESH! The feelings don’t exist, and I don’t blame anyone for it.

Thank You!

NOTHING LIKE "US"

There is nothing like it is,

There is nothing like us.

The promises that we made to one another,

Hope you remember,

We were inseparable, irreplaceable.

There is nothing like it is,

There is nothing like us.

In the race of being perfect and yours only one,

I lost my only man, my only man,

It was not fair,

It was not clear,

But you disappeared,

There is nothing like it is,

There is nothing like us.

I stuttered,

I stumbled,

But, it was too complicated,

Everything was scattered.

I was alone,

And you were gone.

There is nothing like it is,

There is nothing like us.

You wanted me to stay, stay away,

Far away,

In the dark,

And, I could not escape,

Escape what you say.

The reasons were unsaid,

The future was sad.

There is nothing like it is,

There is nothing like us.

What do I do to clear?
What do I do to have you near?

If I could make a better way,

For you to see a better day,

I know it’s not easy,

I know you got your wall wrapped around your heart.

Show me the way to your heart.

Because,

There is nothing like it is,

There is nothing like us...

I WATCHED...

The battle with self,

The battle of thoughts,

The battle with the family,

And the reasons, I had to let go.

I watched…

The struggle,

The forgiveness,

The care,

And the reasons, I had to let go.

I watched…

The choice,

The freedom,

The love,

And the reasons, I had to let go.

I watched…

The distraction,

The sleepless nights,

The need,

And the reasons, I had to let go.

I watched myself, 

Demanding cupid's arrow back,
Getting drunk on my tears,

Searching for a meaningful life,
And the reasons, I cannot let go...

High Line...

Every time I blog, either I am too emotional or too confused about something or someone. And this time when I am penning down what is running deep within my head and heart, I've already taken a call on life, again not by Choice. I've finally realized the secret of being free is letting things unfold in their own way and own time.

After all you cannot make people love and understand you. You can't control them, and to an extend it does not even matter, but what if you get emotionally attached to someone, that you cannot stop thinking about them even for a minute? Well the situation with me is almost the same. I want to move on, but at the same time there is something that stops me and takes me back. I might forget the hurt, the reason I cried for, but it is next to impossible to forget the person behind. I am unable to answer my own questions. Why do I still want the person from the previous chapters to be a part of my last chapters?

Letting go is definitely the hardest thing, when you don't have a choice because you just "have to". I don't cry anymore, I don't really say what I feel, I might not show, but I care.

I tried, you did not. I fought, you did not. I still care, you don't. I finally left, and you don't have a nerve to ask WHY? This is what HIGH  LINE is...You were a blessing and surely and equally a lesson.